I haven't posted...

In three months. Jeez.

Well. Nearly Christmas! One week to go.
I asked for -
The Black Parade Vinyl - My Chemical Romance.
An Umbrella Academy mug.
Live And Laughing - Michael McIntyre.
We Are The Dynamite - The Blackout.
Vampire Knight Volume 5.
Let The Right One In DVD.

However, some of my Christmas cheer has gone.
While I was up on stage at my school Christmas concert playing harp, somebody took the liberty of stealing my iPod. I'm furious. I can't afford another one, and it was my most prized possession.

Well. A lot has happened since I last posted.

I admitted to being in love with my best friend. To her face.
The week after, she kissed me. She doesn't feel the same way, but it was very nice of her all the same :]

I ran away for 4 hours. I'm such a chicken.

I got Green Day tickets to see them on the 16th of June 2010, in Manchester. I live in Edinburgh. I can't believe my mum's taking me all that way :D I'm really really excited xD!

Wow, now I write it down, not much has happened. It's been overwhelming to me.

Anyhow. I should go now.
I really wish I had my iPod back :'(
If anyone reads this, wish me luck in finding and killing the person responsible.

Anxious and Excited...

[Watching Life On The Scene :D]

I'm excited and apprehensive for tomorrow. Tomorrow me and my best friend will stand up in front of my R.M.E. class and teacher and do a presentation on My Chemical Romance. I'm scared shitless. I'll have to get up early and have like 3 cups of coffee or something xD

Me and the person I'm doing the presentation with were discussing this - we don't fancy MCR. We're fucking in love, duh! I'm serious, it's not healthy. I just have to hear a song, see an interview, watch LOTMS, see a picture etc. and I get fuzzy inside. It's weird - it's just like I wanna go AAAWWHH for ages and I feel all warm and squishy and happy and awwish for hours. Also, I get a huge smile on my face that I can't control just thinking about them, and if I'm sad and listen to a song by them I'm happy, or at least content, afterwards. You know what? I don't feel the same way about anything the way I feel about MCR. It's a specific thing - it's... platonic love. That's what it is. To me they are my friend. They just mean so much to me. They are my inspiration, and each one of them is my hero for a different reason;

Gerard especially. I know that is such a cliché, the lead singer, he's hot, ec. etc... but he inspires me for so many more reasons. He overcame so much, his art is amazing, his comic The Umbrella Academy is so amazingly written and crazy and just full of 'batshit fucking ideas' to quote him, he has an amazing voice, his lyrics are so heartwrenchingly astounding and genius and... I could go on forever.

Frank... once again, a cliché. Gorgeous, funny, the youngest, blah blah... But he inspires me because music means so much to him. He started his first band at age eleven. He's an amazing guitarist, and I love his playing style. It's really free, and you can so tell that he's having so much fun.

Mikey - he's just innately cool. It's just ingrained in him. He's a really talented bass player, and he started bass just to be in a band with Gerard. I find that just adorable :3 His bass lines are awesome, and he gives the band that extra dimension that just adds to the total awesomeness :D

Ray is a fucking musical genius. He is so passionate about it, in every way. I just - words can't describe his talent.

Bob... 'The Muscle' xD He also is innately cool. He's an amazing drummer, but he's extremely modest. Even though he shouldn't be. He deserves the praise, but he doesn't seem to think so, which is tragic. However, he just seems so cool, and very private somehow, and I admire him for not being extremely open about his private life or whatever. He's really good at front-of-house sound production too.

Anywho. I love them to pieces. And I hope to fucking GOD that one day, sometime in my life, I will have the opportunity to tell them that. I really really hope that. Just to be able to say thank you for everything that they have done for me and for my friend. One day, they'll know how much they've done.

Radical...

[Listening to Green Day]

I've decided to be radical and write a normal post for once. As in not philosophy or depressing tales of teenage angst xD

So... What's been happening lately? Well:

• I started S3 (3rd Year) at school.
• I bought tickets to go and see Papa Rach and Madina Lake together at the Glasgow O2 Academy on October 9th with my friend so I'm EXCEEDINGLY excited for that :D
• I partially got over my fear of needles, in that tattoo needles don't scare me but injection needles make me faint :/
• I decided that I REEAALLY want to get my lip pierced on the right side (my right).
• It was my birthday on August 21st, so I can now legally go to most gigs/concerts with my mother in tow :D (Not that that stopped me in June...)
• I'm still a vegetarian. That's now six months, if my calculations are correct. I'm very proud of myself xD
• I got a new diary on the 2nd of August. I started my first one in February, and it had 200 pages. I started my second in May, which had 250 pages. I started my current one in August, which has 200 I believe. WTF?! I don't get it ._.
• I missed out on Green Day tickets :/
• My My Chemical Romance obsession keeps getting worse and worse. I am now what most people would classify as a harmless stalker.
• I bought Watchmen, the comic. It's amazing. I love it :D

I think that's it really, of any importance.

Oh, and since it's 9/11 (Or 11/9 in Britain), RIP to all victims. Your memory lives on.

I Thought It Would Get Better...

But it hasn't. Being away from them is almost physically painful - cliche', but true. I wish it would go away... I wish for that so much. But it's like a terminal illness... it's getting worse and worse, and it feels like it'll never get better.

Last week was torture. I almost ran away, and everyone seemed to sense that when I'm not with them, I'm so much more vulnerable. Usually, if something happens then I fall on my safety net and they pull me back up to the tightrope. But last week... I almost fell to the floor. Down, down, down, down...

"Tidal waves they,
Rip right through me,
Tears from eyes worn,
Cold and sad.
Pick me up now,
I need you so bad..."

Down - Blink-182. My life, literally.
I both love and hate it when that happens. When you listen to a song, and it just says the way you feel. I love it because it allows you to step back and see what you're feeling from a different point of view. But in some situations, you feel so bad that you don't want to see what you're feeling, because you're scared what you'll find.

I feel like that a lot. I don't want to know what I'm feeling, because I know it won't be pretty.

I wish I could say what I'm really feeling. I wish I could be transparent, and at least have my friends know... but because of my petty insecurities, I don't feel like that will ever happen. My belief is that my friend(s) would hate me. Why, I don't know. If I were to be transparent, my world would crash around me. I don't want that to happen.

So for now, I shall remain opaque. Or at least translucent.

Thoughts...

By the way, the new title for the blog means 'Thoughts' in Latin. I had a brief fascination with Latin for a while a few months back. I still think it's cool, and besides, my posts aren't all that random or rambling any more, so it didn't really fit. Atleast, they don't seem random or rambling to me.

I just want to get away. Everything feels like it's choking me, stifling me, smothering me. The sound of a voice almost makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I just want to scream. I want to run. I want to stand on the roof of a building and scream, just do anything that will stop me from turning it in on myself. I'd feel like I was letting everyone down. My mum, her. Just everyone.

And yet it draws me...

Like a wind, pushing me, forcing me towards it. I know it will do no good, it will make everything so much worse... but that doesn't matter sometimes. Somethimes I get weak, vulnerable...and I look beyond the consequences, to the reasons behind it. I still know it's wrong... but at times like that the wrongness, the disgustingness of it mean nothing.

Vulnerable. That is exactly the way to describe me at the moment. I know I don't seem it most of the time, but things build up and build up. One person can only take so much... before they want to fall.

Confusion...

I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. Is it just me who gets that? I feel like I'm never gonna understand. I just wanna hug them. Tell them it'll be okay. Nothing's ever okay, but at a time like this lies are easy to believe, and even easier to tell.

They make everything okay for me. I want them to know that. They won't believe me. Every time I'm with them I use every excuse to hug them. I wanna see them. I really miss them, all day every day. They are my lifeline, and when they fall, I fall. When they rise, I rise. I love them. I don't know in what way, but I do.

(Blogstalker - If you're still here, and if you haven't already guessed, it isn't him. I'm kinda over him, which I'm very proud of.)

Depression...

[Listening to Green Day]

(Note to the person who I think still stalks my blog - Some of this might upset you, so please look at the words and what I actually mean by them. I'm fine. I might have what I say I do, even so I'm not going to do anything. I promise I mean that. Okay?)

Before anyone gets confused, I'm not talking about sadness. Many people think there's no difference between sadness and depression, but there is. My mum explained it to me - with sadness, there is always some hope that things will get better, however small. With depression, you lose sight of that hope.

I was in the chemist just over two weeks ago, waiting for my prescription for stress-induced nausea. Acid reduction tablets. Ranitidine. What ever you want to call it. Anyway, I saw a book on depression, with a massive storm cloud on the front. Not all that promising. I picked it up, and looked at the list of symtoms. The ones that stuck in my head were something like -

• Lack of self-belief
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• Lack of emotion
• Suicidal intent.

There were many more, but these made me feel a bit uneasy. I have the first, second, third sometimes and, while not suicidal intent, a kind of feeling like there's no point to being here. Like I just can't be bothered anymore.

Then my Mum told me she thinks she had depression from my age, till she had me - at age 23. I know my Granddad on her side gets depression, and my Dad gets depression and anxiety. Just fucking great. I've got it on both sides. I asked my Mum whether it's hereditary, and she told me she thinks that it's a genetic thing to be prone to it.

So I think I have depression. But when I feel down, I feel so guilty. If I look at my life, I have nothing to be down about compared to some other people, but then I think about my parents and I think I do. It just makes me so confused, because compared to some people, I just have nothing to be sad about. I have a house, amazing, amazing friends, I can go to school, I have at least one parent who loves me and even though some shit may be happening, it's not going to kill me. But I still feel down, almost permanently, and I have the fact that I might have a mental illness bearing down on me to make me feel even worse.

So. I have plenty of things to chew on.

I can't think of a way to end this, so I'm just going to. The End.

-edit- I just remembered I forgot to say I bought Umbrella Academy Apocalypse Suite yesterday, whoop! And I got a really great book from the library called The Art Of Drawing And Creating Manga, and it's really interesting. I'm sort of okay at it, surprisingly. This really is the end. Good Afternoon.

Music - Again...

[Listening to Green Day]

I so love them now ^ and (not that they will ever read this) somebody on TBP got me back into them!! Somebody on the other side of the world, I might add. They are completely obsessed by Green Day. Seriously. It's scary.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR 21st CENTURY BREAKDOWN!! (New Green Day album.) I SO can't wait!! I am hopping up and down on my chair right now!! (No sick meaning intended.)

I'm really happy right now because yesterday I managed to get my phone connected to my speakers. Which means no more crappy moovin-and-groovin flower speaker!! PROPER SPEAKERS!! Phew. I have calmed down now.

I (and every single other MCR fan out there) am waiting for a new album!! DESPERATELY WAITING!! Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

I think I might just be a little hyper...Maybe because I just ate chocolate. And now I am getting more. Yumm...Marzipan. And chocolate. Yum. I seriously have to spend less of my money on chocolate. Seriously, I eat a mars bar 5 days a week. That's 45p x 5 = £1.75 a week. OMG!! That's £7.00 a month!! On mars bars!! Oh well. I mostly use my lunch money anyway. And it's definately worth it xD

I really need to go to a library. I've run out of books to read, because I've read every book I own that's worth reading at least twice. AND my books are two weeks overdue. Or three, I've lost count.

I want to stop waffling and go draw Billie Joe Armstrong now. Buuuuhbye.
-edit- I finished my chocolate :'(

Being Alone...

Do you ever get the feeling that you really don't want to see anyone? You just want to be wrapped up in your own little bubble, where you can't hear anything but music, and can't see anything but white. Or shut up in a little black box with a hole in, so you can see everything but no-one can see you. I get that every single day.

I sometimes wish that I could get up in the night, and go somewhere. Anywhere as long as nobody else is there, just to think without the noise-pollution that fills everyday life. I just wish that everything would go away for just one day, so I can sit with my music, and not move once. I also wish that the human body had some kind of optional hibernation. Where you don't need to do anything at all, just lie down, close your eyes and think. I wish that I could be left alone, that it were possible for everything to move a hundred miles away, and for there to not be a sound, or anything to see. I wish to be in a state of nothingness.

That is the reason that nearly everybody who doesn't believe in Heaven or reincarnation is scared to die. They are afraid of the unknown, but who can blame them? It is one of the many human flaws. However, I do not think I am afraid to die. I never have been. Of course I don't want to die. To be honest who really believes in themselves, who really can truthfully say to themselves that they want to die? I don't think anybody can. But the way I see it, that there is absolutely nothing after, that it would be peaceful...I'm not afraid. It's quite tranquil to imagine really. A state of pure black, no sound, or colour, nothing at all.

I love silence, but I also love music I think more than anything. You might say those two things cancel eachother out, but I don't think they do. When I'm listening to music, everything else seems to fade away. It's like another type of silence, for me. It's time to think, to feel, and to really hear. Silence is an important part of life, I think. Time to go over things, and realise what things really mean, song lyrics in particular. Words that actually mean something in a song, that really go deeper than the actual sound, are a kind of sanctuary to me.

I get in moods where I want to be alone, like I said before. When anybody speaks, it's like a razor across the piano strings of my nerves. The news always triggers that feeling in me. But the news is also slightly theraputic, in a way. It makes me realise that there are worse things happening around the world than to me, that other people actually have a reason to be sad. And it makes me want to walk into the television, and comfort all the crying souls they show, that are malnourished, diseased, and subject to the worst kinds of discrimination and injustice. Just give all the sobbing children a big hug, and tell them honestly that life is perfect, that there is nothing wrong, that I can fix everything and make it all better. But I can't, nobody can do that alone. So these poor people, that are at the mercy of everything that can control, cannot be helped without willing people in power. All the charities in the world cannot fix this. But I admire these people...The way that they carry on, no matter what comes in thier way.

I don't know why I wrote all that. It's all true, and as I said, I don't want to die, and I don't want anybody to think I do. I'm not going to erase it, because I'm innately proud of being able to write all that stuff down. Writing it down gives a peculiar sense of relief, like I have said these things now, and hopefully won't need to keep them churning in my head anymore. They are down in black and white, and that makes me feel better because I can see what I've been thinking before my own eyes. It is unusual that what I write down makes sense, and I hope that this does, because it makes perfect sense to me.

Random Disjointed Thoughts...

I have sore ears, because I listened to too much music already today. Three Cheers, The Black Parade, Flyleaf and half of XO.

I feel really sick. It's kind of like my body wants to throw up anything I put down. Just so you know - You know who you are - I am NOT bulimic. I haven't thrown up, let alone on purpose. It's just a nagging feeling of nausea, and it's putting me off eating. I'm gonna go to the doctors cos that's not good. Also, I'll FINALLY be able to check if my ears are okay for piercing again. I got them done in P6, but the right one went bad. It was all squint, like \ instead of straight. I got them done at Claire's Accessories last time, and I think that's a hint. I'll get them done at Jenners or something hopefully.

Ugh, I'm getting braces in three months. Hopefully that means they'll be off sooner, but the doctor says I might be one of the people who needs them for longer. You see, I kind of have vampire fangs. Really pointy canines that slightly stick out, but they're actually forward in the gums. Gross. The only comforting thing is that some of my friends have got them, and will still have them when I get them.

Ugh, I'm really tired. I stayed up till midnight listening to Green Day, and singing along to MCR once the Kerplunk album finished. So I was stupid, but I couldn't get to sleep. Both the nurse and my mum think I m stressed. So do I. Massive homework load, parents fighting, constant slagging off everywhere I go...yeah, that's almost guaranteed to make you stressed. I think it's affecting my bug/illness aswell.

Maybe I'll phone someone. I was suppose to be going to a friends house today, but I feel so ill it wasn't really feasible. The one gap I get from grounding, and I'm too sick to go. Really, what is wrong with my life?

Anyway, wanna go back on TBP now...

Frankenberry and Complaining...

Just been reading the MCR blog on Frankenberry, and had an inner spaz.

Have you read The Frankenberry Code? If you are over 18, you may read it legitimately. If however, you are UNDER the age of 18, like me, you may read it guiltily xD. I read the post,

"I'm three boxes deep into a case of Frankenberry and I'm still not sick of it. I eat a bowl every night after practice. I think I actually like it more than I did as a child...it's far more mild than I remember. Calming." By Gerard.

It's new - probably untrue - underlying meaning, made me almost choke trying not to laugh and not make my mum ask me what I'm laughing at. I'm an awful lier. Except on one occasion...that I shall not mention. A friend knows. Maybe she'll tell - I don't know.

I stayed off school today, feeling really ill. Just so you know - you know who you are - clearly I am still alive. Nothing of consequence has happened, least of all self-inflicted.

I saw a YouTube video earlier that made me really mad. I was looking at MCR interviews - I am new to this stuff - and there was a video, "From a concerned mother." I watched it because I wanted to know what kind of crap they were spouting. Apparently, she thinks her son is the same as every other person in the world who listens to MCR, i.e. a complete nutter. He was going to be part of this mass-suicide, and she was saying that parents should tell thier children that they are accepted and they do not need "the chemical romance" to like them, and they don't need to be part of "the black parade". Thanks wee dude, you've just made hundreds more parents think MCR is a suicide cult.

Have to go watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show now, yay!

Umbrella Academy...

[Listening to LeATHERMOUTH]

I've listened to a LOT of music today, as usual. I listened to the Flyleaf album twice, then Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and The Black Parade by MCR, then Kerplunk by Greenday, and I've listened to XO by LeATHERMOUTH once, and going through it again. So in total that's six and a bit albums. That's like six whole hours!

I borrowed the first series of Umbrella Academy by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba off my friend today, and read the whole thing. IT IS AMAZING!! It's a comic series about a family of 7 adopted superheroes, and I am now a total fan. I shall be going to Forbidden Planet a lot more often now, and I think I'll buy the new series. I'm now addicted.

I think the reason I like LeATHERMOUTH is the way you're able to just switch off while listening to it even though it's really loud. I'm only able to understand like 1% of all the words, so I don't need to unconsiously concentrate on the lyrics.

[Listening to Good Charlotte]

I should get some Blink 182 on my phone. The thing is, I don't know what ones to download, so I don't accidentally pick a bad one that puts me off, like before. I downloaded Adam's Song by them, and it was the first one I listened to. I really didn't like it, but then a friend downloaded What's My Age Again? and I really liked it. So I'll ask a friend which ones to pick.

I haven't listened to I Am Ghost in ages, I just realised! I'll listen to them once I'm done with this album.

[Listening to Madina Lake]

I just recently discovered Madina Lake. Two of my best friends are obsessed, and one is going to ask if she can go to a fourteens-and-over concert by them, without ID. I wonder what answer she'll get. If it was me, it would be...

Me - "Can I go to a Madina Lake concert? It's over fourteens but-"
Parent - "No."

And that would be it. So good luck to her, lol.

I was in the nurses today, AGAIN. She asked why I had come back to school, because I'd been in there on Tuesday and Wednesday too. I replied,

"I don't want to stay home."

Of course I got asked about a hundred questions on my home life.

[Just been told I have to go.]

Random Crap...

[Listening to My Chemical Romance]

I still haven't done that English homework. I'm supposed to be doing it at the moment, but Mum's at work, and Dad and my brother are at the Littleun's school, so I'm on The Black Parade. The photos I've put up on there are the only photos I've taken and like.

I'm singing along to Helena (So Long and Goodnight), because I love that song.

I got a Cervical Cancer injection today that doesn't actually immunise you, only makes you 40% less likely. I collapsed 5 minutes later, and had to have two people half-carry me to a gym mat, where I fell to my knees, onto my side and lay for 30 minutes. Not funny. What's even more annoying was that I never actually fainted, just almost loss consciousness. Grr. I now have a very sore arm.

I so can't be bothered with the English essay. It's a discursive essay on a topic of your choice, and at first mine was annorexia and how magazines and top models influence it, but it made me feel very sick whenever I thought about it, so I changed it to climate change. I was using royalsociety.org for my research, but it was down yesterday so I couldn't do anything on it, so it all got left for today. Unless I stay off tomorrow. I do have an excuse though, I genuinely have some kind of side-effect from the jag, and I've been feeling faint a lot recently.

The school "Health Adviser" (pah) thinks I'm annorexic, because I went into her office last week feeling faint because I hadn't had anything to drink all day. She looked at me, and said,
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
Me - "Uh, yeah?"
"Are you eating properly?" I swear I almost burst out laughing. I had to tell her that I loved food and that I was happy with my weight about ten times before she decided I was serious. Her argument was,
"Well, you 're skinnier than the last time I saw you, and you're jeans are hanging off you."
I'm a healthy size 10. What is wrong with her?
Me - "Really?"
Her - "Don't sound pleased about it!" What the hell?! I was surprised not happy.

[Rant Over.]

Going on TBP now, because I can't be bothered with effing ENGLISH anymore!

Music and School...

[Listening to Madina Lake]

Music is my life. Seriously. Without music I would be a shell. If I could, I'd stay awake all night every night and spend every single day just listening to music. But there's school to go to. Not that I can complain - School is my escape route. Especially art. There's my perfect day right there. Art and listening to music all day. The perfect life. I could even go without my drug (chocolate) if I didn't need to do anything else except draw and listen to music all day.

Why is it that teachers in certain subjects seem to be nicer than in others? For instance, maths teachers are invariably awful. And art teachers are great, if you work hard and don't mess around. There is something that stays the same though. Younger teachers or older teachers with children are ALWAYS nicer than old loner teachers. Always.

99.9% of the year below are total bitches or chavs. Obviously, there are SOME that are decent. But not many. They're all so horrible to each other, it's unreal. More like being in prison than in school for the less fortunate ones. Luckily for me, there are about 15 people that like the same things as me in my year, and they NEARLY all understand what I'm talking about when I'm spouting crap, which is encouraging.

The good things I am thinking about...

• Music.
• My family is out.
• I have had my fix of sugar.

The bad things I am thinking about...

• The English essay I managed to get out of today by genuinely being ill.
• The paragraph I have to write for French.
• My ever-lurking depression.

Going to do some research on my favourite bands. I only know the names of the people in Paramore and MCR, so I need to find out the names of people in other bands. Goodbye.

This is how I get when I'm Overtired...

I get all stupid and start a blog. Really, I should know better...I have a diary to write crap in. But oh well.

I also get a song stuck in my head. In fact, I always have a song stuck in my head. It's usually a good one. For instance, now it's I'm So Sick by Flyleaf. Earlier it was Give 'Em Hell Kid by My Chemical Romance. But the annoying thing is, it's just a tiny bit of the song. A really tiny bit. Like now it's,

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live,
Let me live without this.

Only three lines I can remember out of the whole song, and a lot of loud guitar. That's it.
In Give 'Em Hell Kid it was,

Your dreams and your hopeless hair,
Oh wa oh,
You never wanted it to be this way.

And another lot of guitar. So that's irritating.

The good things I am thinking about...

• Music.
• The drawing of Gerard Way I have just done. I think it's okay actually.
• The fact that my parents have gone upstairs and left me alone.

The bad things I am thinking about...

• My ever-lurking depression.
• I have just realised that I have a huge amount of English research for tomorrow.
• I am tired.

I have to do a massive amount of homework tonight. And it's 22:55. Goodbye.