I Thought It Would Get Better...

But it hasn't. Being away from them is almost physically painful - cliche', but true. I wish it would go away... I wish for that so much. But it's like a terminal illness... it's getting worse and worse, and it feels like it'll never get better.

Last week was torture. I almost ran away, and everyone seemed to sense that when I'm not with them, I'm so much more vulnerable. Usually, if something happens then I fall on my safety net and they pull me back up to the tightrope. But last week... I almost fell to the floor. Down, down, down, down...

"Tidal waves they,
Rip right through me,
Tears from eyes worn,
Cold and sad.
Pick me up now,
I need you so bad..."

Down - Blink-182. My life, literally.
I both love and hate it when that happens. When you listen to a song, and it just says the way you feel. I love it because it allows you to step back and see what you're feeling from a different point of view. But in some situations, you feel so bad that you don't want to see what you're feeling, because you're scared what you'll find.

I feel like that a lot. I don't want to know what I'm feeling, because I know it won't be pretty.

I wish I could say what I'm really feeling. I wish I could be transparent, and at least have my friends know... but because of my petty insecurities, I don't feel like that will ever happen. My belief is that my friend(s) would hate me. Why, I don't know. If I were to be transparent, my world would crash around me. I don't want that to happen.

So for now, I shall remain opaque. Or at least translucent.