Do you ever get the feeling that you really don't want to see anyone? You just want to be wrapped up in your own little bubble, where you can't hear anything but music, and can't see anything but white. Or shut up in a little black box with a hole in, so you can see everything but no-one can see you. I get that every single day.
I sometimes wish that I could get up in the night, and go somewhere. Anywhere as long as nobody else is there, just to think without the noise-pollution that fills everyday life. I just wish that everything would go away for just one day, so I can sit with my music, and not move once. I also wish that the human body had some kind of optional hibernation. Where you don't need to do anything at all, just lie down, close your eyes and think. I wish that I could be left alone, that it were possible for everything to move a hundred miles away, and for there to not be a sound, or anything to see. I wish to be in a state of nothingness.
That is the reason that nearly everybody who doesn't believe in Heaven or reincarnation is scared to die. They are afraid of the unknown, but who can blame them? It is one of the many human flaws. However, I do not think I am afraid to die. I never have been. Of course I don't want to die. To be honest who really believes in themselves, who really can truthfully say to themselves that they want to die? I don't think anybody can. But the way I see it, that there is absolutely nothing after, that it would be peaceful...I'm not afraid. It's quite tranquil to imagine really. A state of pure black, no sound, or colour, nothing at all.
I love silence, but I also love music I think more than anything. You might say those two things cancel eachother out, but I don't think they do. When I'm listening to music, everything else seems to fade away. It's like another type of silence, for me. It's time to think, to feel, and to really hear. Silence is an important part of life, I think. Time to go over things, and realise what things really mean, song lyrics in particular. Words that actually mean something in a song, that really go deeper than the actual sound, are a kind of sanctuary to me.
I get in moods where I want to be alone, like I said before. When anybody speaks, it's like a razor across the piano strings of my nerves. The news always triggers that feeling in me. But the news is also slightly theraputic, in a way. It makes me realise that there are worse things happening around the world than to me, that other people actually have a reason to be sad. And it makes me want to walk into the television, and comfort all the crying souls they show, that are malnourished, diseased, and subject to the worst kinds of discrimination and injustice. Just give all the sobbing children a big hug, and tell them honestly that life is perfect, that there is nothing wrong, that I can fix everything and make it all better. But I can't, nobody can do that alone. So these poor people, that are at the mercy of everything that can control, cannot be helped without willing people in power. All the charities in the world cannot fix this. But I admire these people...The way that they carry on, no matter what comes in thier way.
I don't know why I wrote all that. It's all true, and as I said, I don't want to die, and I don't want anybody to think I do. I'm not going to erase it, because I'm innately proud of being able to write all that stuff down. Writing it down gives a peculiar sense of relief, like I have said these things now, and hopefully won't need to keep them churning in my head anymore. They are down in black and white, and that makes me feel better because I can see what I've been thinking before my own eyes. It is unusual that what I write down makes sense, and I hope that this does, because it makes perfect sense to me.
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