I haven't posted...

In three months. Jeez.

Well. Nearly Christmas! One week to go.
I asked for -
The Black Parade Vinyl - My Chemical Romance.
An Umbrella Academy mug.
Live And Laughing - Michael McIntyre.
We Are The Dynamite - The Blackout.
Vampire Knight Volume 5.
Let The Right One In DVD.

However, some of my Christmas cheer has gone.
While I was up on stage at my school Christmas concert playing harp, somebody took the liberty of stealing my iPod. I'm furious. I can't afford another one, and it was my most prized possession.

Well. A lot has happened since I last posted.

I admitted to being in love with my best friend. To her face.
The week after, she kissed me. She doesn't feel the same way, but it was very nice of her all the same :]

I ran away for 4 hours. I'm such a chicken.

I got Green Day tickets to see them on the 16th of June 2010, in Manchester. I live in Edinburgh. I can't believe my mum's taking me all that way :D I'm really really excited xD!

Wow, now I write it down, not much has happened. It's been overwhelming to me.

Anyhow. I should go now.
I really wish I had my iPod back :'(
If anyone reads this, wish me luck in finding and killing the person responsible.

Anxious and Excited...

[Watching Life On The Scene :D]

I'm excited and apprehensive for tomorrow. Tomorrow me and my best friend will stand up in front of my R.M.E. class and teacher and do a presentation on My Chemical Romance. I'm scared shitless. I'll have to get up early and have like 3 cups of coffee or something xD

Me and the person I'm doing the presentation with were discussing this - we don't fancy MCR. We're fucking in love, duh! I'm serious, it's not healthy. I just have to hear a song, see an interview, watch LOTMS, see a picture etc. and I get fuzzy inside. It's weird - it's just like I wanna go AAAWWHH for ages and I feel all warm and squishy and happy and awwish for hours. Also, I get a huge smile on my face that I can't control just thinking about them, and if I'm sad and listen to a song by them I'm happy, or at least content, afterwards. You know what? I don't feel the same way about anything the way I feel about MCR. It's a specific thing - it's... platonic love. That's what it is. To me they are my friend. They just mean so much to me. They are my inspiration, and each one of them is my hero for a different reason;

Gerard especially. I know that is such a cliché, the lead singer, he's hot, ec. etc... but he inspires me for so many more reasons. He overcame so much, his art is amazing, his comic The Umbrella Academy is so amazingly written and crazy and just full of 'batshit fucking ideas' to quote him, he has an amazing voice, his lyrics are so heartwrenchingly astounding and genius and... I could go on forever.

Frank... once again, a cliché. Gorgeous, funny, the youngest, blah blah... But he inspires me because music means so much to him. He started his first band at age eleven. He's an amazing guitarist, and I love his playing style. It's really free, and you can so tell that he's having so much fun.

Mikey - he's just innately cool. It's just ingrained in him. He's a really talented bass player, and he started bass just to be in a band with Gerard. I find that just adorable :3 His bass lines are awesome, and he gives the band that extra dimension that just adds to the total awesomeness :D

Ray is a fucking musical genius. He is so passionate about it, in every way. I just - words can't describe his talent.

Bob... 'The Muscle' xD He also is innately cool. He's an amazing drummer, but he's extremely modest. Even though he shouldn't be. He deserves the praise, but he doesn't seem to think so, which is tragic. However, he just seems so cool, and very private somehow, and I admire him for not being extremely open about his private life or whatever. He's really good at front-of-house sound production too.

Anywho. I love them to pieces. And I hope to fucking GOD that one day, sometime in my life, I will have the opportunity to tell them that. I really really hope that. Just to be able to say thank you for everything that they have done for me and for my friend. One day, they'll know how much they've done.

Radical...

[Listening to Green Day]

I've decided to be radical and write a normal post for once. As in not philosophy or depressing tales of teenage angst xD

So... What's been happening lately? Well:

• I started S3 (3rd Year) at school.
• I bought tickets to go and see Papa Rach and Madina Lake together at the Glasgow O2 Academy on October 9th with my friend so I'm EXCEEDINGLY excited for that :D
• I partially got over my fear of needles, in that tattoo needles don't scare me but injection needles make me faint :/
• I decided that I REEAALLY want to get my lip pierced on the right side (my right).
• It was my birthday on August 21st, so I can now legally go to most gigs/concerts with my mother in tow :D (Not that that stopped me in June...)
• I'm still a vegetarian. That's now six months, if my calculations are correct. I'm very proud of myself xD
• I got a new diary on the 2nd of August. I started my first one in February, and it had 200 pages. I started my second in May, which had 250 pages. I started my current one in August, which has 200 I believe. WTF?! I don't get it ._.
• I missed out on Green Day tickets :/
• My My Chemical Romance obsession keeps getting worse and worse. I am now what most people would classify as a harmless stalker.
• I bought Watchmen, the comic. It's amazing. I love it :D

I think that's it really, of any importance.

Oh, and since it's 9/11 (Or 11/9 in Britain), RIP to all victims. Your memory lives on.

I Thought It Would Get Better...

But it hasn't. Being away from them is almost physically painful - cliche', but true. I wish it would go away... I wish for that so much. But it's like a terminal illness... it's getting worse and worse, and it feels like it'll never get better.

Last week was torture. I almost ran away, and everyone seemed to sense that when I'm not with them, I'm so much more vulnerable. Usually, if something happens then I fall on my safety net and they pull me back up to the tightrope. But last week... I almost fell to the floor. Down, down, down, down...

"Tidal waves they,
Rip right through me,
Tears from eyes worn,
Cold and sad.
Pick me up now,
I need you so bad..."

Down - Blink-182. My life, literally.
I both love and hate it when that happens. When you listen to a song, and it just says the way you feel. I love it because it allows you to step back and see what you're feeling from a different point of view. But in some situations, you feel so bad that you don't want to see what you're feeling, because you're scared what you'll find.

I feel like that a lot. I don't want to know what I'm feeling, because I know it won't be pretty.

I wish I could say what I'm really feeling. I wish I could be transparent, and at least have my friends know... but because of my petty insecurities, I don't feel like that will ever happen. My belief is that my friend(s) would hate me. Why, I don't know. If I were to be transparent, my world would crash around me. I don't want that to happen.

So for now, I shall remain opaque. Or at least translucent.

Thoughts...

By the way, the new title for the blog means 'Thoughts' in Latin. I had a brief fascination with Latin for a while a few months back. I still think it's cool, and besides, my posts aren't all that random or rambling any more, so it didn't really fit. Atleast, they don't seem random or rambling to me.

I just want to get away. Everything feels like it's choking me, stifling me, smothering me. The sound of a voice almost makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I just want to scream. I want to run. I want to stand on the roof of a building and scream, just do anything that will stop me from turning it in on myself. I'd feel like I was letting everyone down. My mum, her. Just everyone.

And yet it draws me...

Like a wind, pushing me, forcing me towards it. I know it will do no good, it will make everything so much worse... but that doesn't matter sometimes. Somethimes I get weak, vulnerable...and I look beyond the consequences, to the reasons behind it. I still know it's wrong... but at times like that the wrongness, the disgustingness of it mean nothing.

Vulnerable. That is exactly the way to describe me at the moment. I know I don't seem it most of the time, but things build up and build up. One person can only take so much... before they want to fall.

Confusion...

I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. Is it just me who gets that? I feel like I'm never gonna understand. I just wanna hug them. Tell them it'll be okay. Nothing's ever okay, but at a time like this lies are easy to believe, and even easier to tell.

They make everything okay for me. I want them to know that. They won't believe me. Every time I'm with them I use every excuse to hug them. I wanna see them. I really miss them, all day every day. They are my lifeline, and when they fall, I fall. When they rise, I rise. I love them. I don't know in what way, but I do.

(Blogstalker - If you're still here, and if you haven't already guessed, it isn't him. I'm kinda over him, which I'm very proud of.)

Depression...

[Listening to Green Day]

(Note to the person who I think still stalks my blog - Some of this might upset you, so please look at the words and what I actually mean by them. I'm fine. I might have what I say I do, even so I'm not going to do anything. I promise I mean that. Okay?)

Before anyone gets confused, I'm not talking about sadness. Many people think there's no difference between sadness and depression, but there is. My mum explained it to me - with sadness, there is always some hope that things will get better, however small. With depression, you lose sight of that hope.

I was in the chemist just over two weeks ago, waiting for my prescription for stress-induced nausea. Acid reduction tablets. Ranitidine. What ever you want to call it. Anyway, I saw a book on depression, with a massive storm cloud on the front. Not all that promising. I picked it up, and looked at the list of symtoms. The ones that stuck in my head were something like -

• Lack of self-belief
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• Lack of emotion
• Suicidal intent.

There were many more, but these made me feel a bit uneasy. I have the first, second, third sometimes and, while not suicidal intent, a kind of feeling like there's no point to being here. Like I just can't be bothered anymore.

Then my Mum told me she thinks she had depression from my age, till she had me - at age 23. I know my Granddad on her side gets depression, and my Dad gets depression and anxiety. Just fucking great. I've got it on both sides. I asked my Mum whether it's hereditary, and she told me she thinks that it's a genetic thing to be prone to it.

So I think I have depression. But when I feel down, I feel so guilty. If I look at my life, I have nothing to be down about compared to some other people, but then I think about my parents and I think I do. It just makes me so confused, because compared to some people, I just have nothing to be sad about. I have a house, amazing, amazing friends, I can go to school, I have at least one parent who loves me and even though some shit may be happening, it's not going to kill me. But I still feel down, almost permanently, and I have the fact that I might have a mental illness bearing down on me to make me feel even worse.

So. I have plenty of things to chew on.

I can't think of a way to end this, so I'm just going to. The End.

-edit- I just remembered I forgot to say I bought Umbrella Academy Apocalypse Suite yesterday, whoop! And I got a really great book from the library called The Art Of Drawing And Creating Manga, and it's really interesting. I'm sort of okay at it, surprisingly. This really is the end. Good Afternoon.